Scars
by detective-giggles
Summary: Rollisi. Amanda opens up to Sonny during an early morning chat. One-shot. Spoilers for 14x22; references to 16x10.


A/N: Just another little one I came up with. Rollisi. Spoilers for 14x22 and references to 16x10.

XxXxXxX

Sonny opened his eyes slowly, squinting against the bright sunlight and wishing he had better curtains-or at least a window without Eastern exposure. He shifted slightly, desperately hoping not to wake the blonde sleeping in his arms. Their most recent case had been hard on her, for reasons unknown to him, and this was the first time she had slept through the night in days. Some nights she had woken with a yelp, drenched in sweat-nearly hyperventilating-but eventually he was able to coax her back to sleep, tucked safely in his arms. Other nights were different; she woke him with thrashing and whimpering, quietly pleading for some unknown entity not to hurt her. Those nights were worse. The terror in her eyes when she woke sent a chill through his spine. On those nights, there was no coaxing her back to bed for a few more hours of precious, albeit fitful sleep. They were up and starting their day at whatever god-awful hour it was. Sonny was glad for the reprieve, even if only for one night.

The blonde stirred, and he held his breath-hoping she would stay asleep- it was only five-thirty, maybe he could sneak in a couple more hours too. She snuggled up close, burying her face in his chest. He watched her chest rise and fall and as her breathing regulated again, his eyes settled on the small scar on her left shoulder.

Amanda never talked about it, as was her way. He had brought it up once when he was a newbie, and was met with a no-nonsense, "Mind your business, Carisi," from Amanda and a scowl from Fin. Now, those reactions wouldn't surprise him in the least, but being new to the squad, he remembers being a little hurt at the exclusion. After more than a decade as a cop, he knew immediately what the little scar meant, he just didn't know the story behind it. And he wondered if he ever would.

But that didn't stop him from wondering: Who had hurt her? Why? Did she know it was coming? The terror, and adrenaline, flowing through her body? Was she protecting someone? A child, perhaps, or her partner? Or worse, who had let her down; had failed to protect her?

To be honest, there was also a little morbid curiosity. He had been lucky; after all his years on the job, he didn't have any scars of his own. At least, not the kind you could see.

That's the thing about scars, everybody has them. Whether they're physical, visible for everyone to see; or emotional, visible only in the deepest, darkest corners of your mind. They're a part of who we are and how we interact with others. Some tell beautiful stories; others are excruciatingly painful. Little scars can fade over time, while some haunt you forever.

His heart ached for his partner. She trusted him implicitly-literally putting her life in his hands every day- but it still hurt that she couldn't bring herself to tell him what had caused her so much pain. Then again, Sonny reasoned, he had his share of secrets to tell.

"Perp walk." The voice was quiet, but brought Sonny back to the present.

"Huh? What?" he blinked in confusion.

"You were staring again," she explained softly, bringing a hand up to cover the offending mark, "it was a perp walk. She, uh… the shooter got me from the rooftop across from the station."

"A sniper, huh?" Caught by surprise, for once Sonny didn't know what to say. He knew what he wanted to say, to crack a joke to make the blonde smile-but that didn't seem appropriate so he kept his mouth shut.

Amanda nodded, "Honestly, I uh, I don't remember hearing the gunshot. There was just…pain…confusion…and then…darkness."

"Were you scared?" the question was out before he could stop himself, "I'm sorry-you don't have to answer that."

She nodded, "Yeah- but it's different than what you think…" she paused, struggling to find the words to explain. Sonny remained silent, encouraging her to continue. "When you have a gun to your head… there's… there's still _time_. All the scenarios play out in your mind: What's going to happen? Will you die alone? Will it hurt? And that _unknown_ is the terrifying part. You're wondering if there's anything you can do… to say… and when you're afraid there's not… then you just hope…pray... that it's-"

"Quick. Painless," Sonny finished for her. God knows he had been in that position more than once. Sonny stared into her blue eyes, hypnotized.

"Uh huh…" she nodded again, "But after… here's the thing- there's a moment… after the shock wears off, once you realize what has happened, a-and you're lying there and the pain is…so intense… so _unreal_… but you realize the pain isn't what you should be scared of…you're actually grateful for it. Every excruciating second…"

"Because that's how you know you're still alive."

"Yeah," a second passed, then two, and then a small, nervous laugh escaped her lips. "Ugh, I'm sorry…" she shook her head. And just like that, the moment was gone. Sonny could almost see the walls rebuilding. The vulnerability in her eyes was gone and he wondered if he had imagined it.

Sonny wrapped an arm around Amanda and hugged her tightly, wondering what other secrets she was hiding. He wasn't going to find out today, but maybe, sometime soon, she would let him in again.

XxXxXxX

A/N: Thanks for reading! This was intended as a one-shot, however, I ended up switching directions as I was writing- which does leave it open for more, if reviews show you all want more, lol.


End file.
